Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm a joker, I'm a toker...

So I met Mr. Tall, dark and handsome and found very little to disagree with. Went out on first date, he took me on a real date to a real restaurant and then to the movies. Success. A second date was made. I took the liberty of planning numero dos.
We both are fairly active people, so I decided that he would be the perfect person to accompany me to my Crossfit (a very intense workout), and then make dinner at my place. "Steve Miller" was down and excited for the evening. I met him at the Crossfit gym and it was on.
At the end of the workout I was feeling worked! I looked over to see how Steve was doing and he was lying down on the floor, arms over his head, pale and sweaty. I'm not sure but I think he passed out and that's how he landed on the floor. You can imagine I felt horrible. Dinner was obviously on me.
Steve drove all the way to my house with his windows down, and it was cold, too cold for that nonsense. We got to my place and I made sure to get him a drink and had him take it easy. I started preparing dinner and then asked him if he was ok.
Me: Are you ok, doing better?
Steve: Yes, I feel better now thanks. It's just the weirdest thing, I mean I smoke pot before every workout and it usually helps me focus and perform at my best. But tonight it just wiped me out.
Me: So you smoke pot before every workout to "focus"? How often do you work out?
Steve: Every day.
Once I heard that the only thing I wanted to do was "Fly like an Eagle" out of my own place.....And the least he could've done was tell me that while we were at the store, instead of the elaborate meal I made I could've just picked up cheetoh's and ho-ho's and called it a night.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gaylord Focker

Yes, that's right, I went out with a male nurse. A murse as I like to call them. Everything about this date probably should have made me sick enough to go to the MD afterward, but that is besides the point. Here are the highlights.
1. Met Murse and his friends, murse informs friends we met at the gym. This is indeed false.
2. Murse takes me to dinner. To a $5.99 Buffett (it was actually good, but come on, please let me know you think I'm worth more than that. And if not, take me to McDonalds instead)
3. The entire evening I think murse is trying to take my stats sans stethoscope, as he is very very handsy!
4. Murse doesn't leave a tip on the table for the cleanup crew, classy. Sometimes this is acceptable, however when he paid at the front counter they specifically asked "would you like to leave a tip on your card for the wait staff". Murse said no and acted like he checked his wallet to confirm he had cash.
5. At the end of the evening, murse attempted to "take my temperature" by slipping something under my tongue! Yeah right!

Turns out, murse was onto something as after the date, I felt the need for some medical attention; perhaps some prescriptions for some hard core drugs to pretend that this date never actually took place. No wonder Doogie Howser went gay.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Malt Man

So I admit that I call every guy that I go out with a "kid", and usually the median age of those I date is around 33. However when you meet someone in a dimly lit bar, it's hard to tell. So when I originally met Malt Man age was difficult to determine. He was with a group of guys and the bar was scarce. My friend and I approached them and started the introductions. Shortly after we walked away. A few minutes later, I walked past the table of young gentleman and Malt Man shouted "Jen come back here and keep entertaining us" Who was I to say no?
A few jokes later phone numbers were exchanged. A few weeks later a text message was received and a date was arranged. Originally MM had wanted to grab a drink, but after I reminded him that I don't consume alcoholic beverages he threw out "I want to buy you a malt"
Who was I to say no?
Met MM at a restaurant in town specializing in malts and when he arrived, he looked different then I remembered. By different I mean short and young. Turns out he is 22, fresh out of college! WHA? Turns out he lives with his grandma. WHA? Turns out his favorite past time is tending to his garden. WHA? Turns out I needed to leave right after I finished my malt.